Why Are We Nicer To Strangers Than Our Loved Ones?


Why do we so often treat those we love the most? Contrary to popular belief, I do not think the answer is that familiarity triggers contempt. It’s not that all the wonderful things we loved about our loved ones when they came into our lives for the first time, have been disgusting to us (“I hate you being so nice to everyone!” On the contrary, our tolerance for everything we did not like before diminishes over time.

Moreover, pain requires our attention more than pleasure and we come to the explanation: we have the least tolerance for the negative qualities of those with whom we spend most of our time.

Of course, we want to treat our loved ones well – and we often feel tremendous guilt if we do not do it. Provided we do not have enough of our spouse and want to get divorced, our children are tired of having them released for adoption, or our parents are tired of wanting to break contact. what should be done?

I would suggest the following strategies:

1. Pause on a regular basis to vividly subtract your loved ones from your life.

The goal here is to generate intense gratitude. And nothing brings gratitude for anything, as if threatened with his loss. Studies show that we are all able to concretely imagine the loss of people in our lives in order to evoke the gratitude we still have for them. We can do it best by presenting in a concrete way how we can take a person – and by actually playing scenarios in our head where a totally believable event wins. Try the following: Make a list of things you love about your loved ones and create yourself every morning – just a few minutes – to imagine how you might lose them (or lose them one day).

It is more likely that we have an emotional response to these notions when we visualize as much as possible the absence of relatives. For example, if we want to imagine a life without our spouse, we would imagine that the empty space that his absence would leave in our lives would see the bed in which we sleep now without him next to us. is the table where we dine, but without him, and so on. And when we think of how we should change our daily lives in our absence, we imagine again taking photos – photos that go to the movies alone, going on vacation alone, attending parent-teacher conferences, and so on. By repeating this practice regularly, you may develop a habit that you can continue to fill with gratitude.

2. Spend time with your loved ones in the company of other people.

As I wrote, it turns out who we are and basically depends on who we are. For example, have you ever noticed how you feel and behave differently with your family and friends – and another with your colleagues or boss? We may all be multiple beings, but what we are at a given moment does not depend on us as much as on those around us.

I suggest that if you are in the company of people with whom you feel less intimate, you will behave more and more politely and friendly, even towards our loved ones. In addition, you have the opportunity to observe and appreciate the best of your loved ones, which is also drawn from them by the presence of others. In short, the dynamics between you and your loved ones will change, and usually for the better, when other people are present.

3. Take a break from your loved ones as needed.

Do not do it because you have to increase your tolerance for what bothers you and your loved ones. Do this to have a new perspective. Go out alone to the world so that other experiences and others will draw from you a more generous self, an ego who sees more fully your present life; It’s easier to find a way to appreciate the good of your loved ones. and it gives you a more balanced view of things that frustrate you.



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